You guys often ask me how I did this or how I did that, and if there is a secret recipe to it all. "How did you get so many readers?" "How do you keep up with posting everywhere online?" "How do you get people to read (review, like, talk about) your books?" "How do you find the time to write and read and do everything else?" "How do you find motivation to keep moving forward?" "How did you get to be so successful (famous, known, respected)?" Which is total bull as I don't know what most people mean by BEING SUCCESSFUL, and in my world I'm not there yet, my writing still sucks ass. But anyway. To answer all these questions at once.

I DON'T KNOW.

I don't have a clue. I don't get it. I scratch my head every day and ponder and get all confused and puzzled. What you think looks so pretty on the outside doesn't look pretty at all. Here is the daily reality I face, and the only thing I do know how to do is to ignore it all and simply keep writing.

My Twitter numbers are falling.

I used to do social media marketing for companies and all that jazz and I used to be mad about growing numbers and tracking them and measuring them and whatever. Then I started writing and really interacting with you, my readers, and understood that numbers are bullshit. They seem to mean stuff, but the whole truth is more complicated and I will never know it. So I stopped. I stopped using tools and apps, I stopped trying to be smart and coming up with clever tweets. It was taking away my time from writing. Now I just tweet when I want whatever I want, and sometimes it's outright stupid. Some days I get some new followers, some I don't. I don't know why. I only know that because so many of you are still there, I'll stay there for as long as you want me to.

My Ello numbers are growing.

Now Ello is something I love to death as it's clean and white and minimalistic, and that is very much to my taste. I WANT to post pictures there because they look pretty. Do I know what I'm doing there? No clue. Will I keep doing it? Yes! Why? Because I like it, no other reason. (No bloody ads there, thank God.) And I like you all who are there. You are awesome and you inspire me. Thank you.

My Patreon patrons are cutting down their pledges.

Suddenly this week a bunch of you who are my patrons have cut down your pledges. Why? I have no idea. It might be connected to me, it might be not. Maybe your cat needs surgery, maybe you need new shoes, maybe your other better (or not) half asked where the hell that $10 was going every month and why the hell you should donate to some dumb-ass artist. I don't know. Will this stop me? Nope. I will continue writing and posting there every day as long as there is at least one of you who is supporting me. THANK YOU.

My blog doesn't really grow.

This is the most puzzling thing. Every week I'd get new subscribers to my blog, and every week I'd lose some, so in the total mathematical universe my blog isn't really growing. I used to try to puzzle this out, then I stopped. No time. I like spouting shit here that doesn't fit in short Twitter posts and in longer Ello posts (I don't post on Facebook or Google+ anymore, only links to posts or pictures via Instagram), and so I will keep spouting. Sometimes the posts are great, sometimes they are meh. Whatever. Writing them makes me feel better when I'm confused about something (like typing this right now because I got puzzled over losing three of you long-time blog subscribers this morning). I'm doing this for me. If it also helps you, great! If not, please don't waste your time on my shit. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Go read something you enjoy.

On Wattpad some days my books are read, some they are not.

A bunch of you have been recently asking about my readership on Wattpad and how I got it going and all that. Actually, I didn't. One of you asked me on Twitter one day to put my book on Wattpad, and I did. And it kind of went from there. Being an orderly clean freak (it ALL has to be organized), I went ahead and formatted and put the rest of my books there, and then stuff happened (like Rosehead got selected for a bunch of prizes), and then stuff stopped happening, then stuff started happening again. Whatever. If I let it get to me, I will obsess over it and stop writing out of anxiety. Fuck that.

My book sales are unpredictable.

I stopped even looking at my sales. I do know that they sell when I get some little money every month from sales, but the numbers are so small, I don't even bother. Some months are better, some are worse. I know there are ways of figuring out Amazing algorithms or whatever, but I get bored trying to figure it out, and I'm not techy enough to get it, so fuck it. I like interacting with you guys better. If you like my books and tell your friends to buy them, great! If not, well, I have to write more and get so good that you will start shouting about my books from every roof.

SO HOW DO I KEEP MOVING FORWARD WHEN IT'S ALL SO CONFUSED?

I wish I knew how to stop. Seriously. I can't not write. I just can't shut up. I can't turn my brain off. Sometimes I really wish I could so I could sleep! Like today. Saturday. I could sleep in. I could. I didn't turn on my alarm the night before. Well, my brain had the last laugh. It woke me up BEFORE my typical alarm time. 30 minutes before. So I got up. And I wrote 888 bloody words. And now I'm writing this post. Why? Can't shut. Can't get the thoughts to stop spinning until I spit them out on paper.

God. What a job. It's like writing is saving me from madness. There, I wrote out my doubts and now I feel better. You're a hero if you read this far. When we meet in real life, remind me, and I will give you one of my socks. I will autograph it and kiss it, too, if you want. Just tell me you read this post to the end, and it's yours. (I keep my promises.)